When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
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Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Hell yeah 👍
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!