2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
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Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
My work here is don’t.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
You can’t rush stupid.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want