Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
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Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.