If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
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Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
This could’ve been an email.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice