sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
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I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane