Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
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Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.