My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
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Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Comparing yourself to others
is this meant to deter me
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket