I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
You Might Also Like
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
I don’t make the rules sorry
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!