Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
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The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
No, YOUR illiterate.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away