I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
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I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
dads on road-trips be like
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.