“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
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HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
tis the season
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.