I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
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waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*