No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
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Dear Lord..
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Important
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.