Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
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Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row