[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
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Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
A new level of troll.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
The sacred texts.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
I know this now 😂
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics