If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
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Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room