A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
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It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
🙂🐾
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair