“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
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Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Monday
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.