“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
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If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
I have a black belt in leather
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.