#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
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You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
calling in to work dehydrated
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.