I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
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1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
WWE is French for “yes”
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!