Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
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I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
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OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital