I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
You Might Also Like
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
my mom making me talk to relatives
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.