Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
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Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS