Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
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Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.