“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
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[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Punctuation Matters. Period.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Snapes on a plane.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
New comic up. “Ransom”
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Just a bush.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am