Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
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Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.