“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
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You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Me trying to walk in a dream
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?