SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
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Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.