People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
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Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
my dog when i have a friend over
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Inside you there are two wolves
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle