I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
You Might Also Like
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.