My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
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And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
new career option?
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫