8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
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what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Basketball
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..