The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
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All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
dads on road-trips be like
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂