[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
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Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.