A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
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I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Every work meeting this week
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
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