Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
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Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Meanwhile in Portland…
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.