I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
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Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)