Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
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I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Namaste
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
the three branches of government
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.