*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
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[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
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genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
had to make it
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.