I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
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Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA