The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
You Might Also Like
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
A classic…
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
This made me chuckle.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.