There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
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got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Note to self: always read the final line
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.