Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
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I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.