by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
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Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂