Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
You Might Also Like
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out