I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
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*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
his wife is probably gonna see that
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead