*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
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beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
#Caturday
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.