Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
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[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.