Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
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[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here